Life is going pretty good now. I found out we are having a girl!!! I am excited but at the same time nervous as hell. If she's anything like me I will die an early death. We like the name Madison- I really have not looked into many other names yet- I ordered the bedding set- you can find it HERE. And yes that would mean I have been doing some brushing up on my HTML. Getting back in the groove.
Anyways- so whats been going on with me...being pregnant. Its great. I feel her move inside me more frequently now. I am 21 weeks (5 months and a week). Still barely showing. But my tummy is steadily getting bigger, at least I notice but not many other people do.
I saw my ex tonight...ex fiancee that is. WHy I don't know- He still wants to see me and hang out. Its hard tho cause just as it always happened- feelings come back which is why I am here. Cause I really can't talk to anyone about it. See me and the ex were best friends. We got along so well- but it just fell apart and its sad how it fell apart. Drinking- flipping out, doing what we thought were unforgivable things at the time. Shit just builds up and you let go. But here we are 4 years later- friends laughing about shit that happened and asking questions- like did you have sex with that girl, he asked tonight if I had sex with a guy I went out with when we broke up...I did but you think I am gonna tell him that? I think not. He's such a horndog- I made him that way so its partly my fault but I told him for now- for the MOST part- I am happy and I have no intentions on cheating- that and the fact I AM prego....eeew. I mean thats just gross. I don't know how anyone could do that. But he was trying to get me to masterbate infront of him or watch him (when we were together we did that from time to time- it turned us on) but of course I denied him as much as I wanted to I said no. Cause once again it's wrong.
But we did lay down on the couch- and cuddle and watch a movie (the Gathering sucked ass but it wasn't even about the movie) What I wanna talk about is once again things that are not fulfilling in my current relationship. The last entry or 2 mentions sex. Yes- I am still not getting enough- But it at least got better. I don't think anyone except my ex can give me enough-I had that boy trained. 3-4 times a day sometimes back to back. I can't get my current man's 37 year old ass to do that! Once a day and I am lucky. Which NEVER happens. Anyways- Back to the cuddleing part-
We were laying there and he started scratching the inside of my arm...tickling if you will- which my mom use to do when I was little to help me fall asleep. He remembered. He scratched the inside of my hand, and gave me a back rub. I was suddenly in a place that I was before- a time I was truly truly happy. I thought about it after he left and felt a saddness when I was all alone again. My man- we'll call him D... doesn't cuddle me, like at all. He's not affectionate at all. I have mentioned it to him in the past, why he doesn't hold me and why he doesn't "pet" me. And he point blank said I'm not an affectionate person. Which sucks cause I am. I mean I lay on him and he'll throw his arm around me but he doesn't stroke my hair or scratch my arm or offer back rubs. He instead bought me 16 one hour massages for mothersday. Which is nice but its the physical thing I need in a relationship to FEEL loved. Is it just me? Am I alone on this one?
When me and the ex were laying there- I felt him put his face close to the back of my head and heard him breathe in deeply- It made me smile and then he text me this 20 min ago- "It's funny how smelling ur hair brings me back to those days...even though life changes I'll always have a special spot for u in my heart." My eyes welled up with tears and I tried my best to swallow them but a few leaked out as they are doing now. Will I make it in this relationship with D? We are having a child together- I have tried my best to make it work and try to be happy but there's so many things that I am NOT happy about. My friend Mark in WI told me to get the book "The 5 love Languages" He said it'll help me. I am seriously gonna get that book- cause I have to somehow feel better about everything. I mean D tells me alot how much he loves me but I feel that he doesn't cause he can't SHOW it. Ya follow me? I mean fuck- I am not ugly or undesireable. I think I am pretty hot- See for yourself Ok my link won't work- I am a little rusty so copy and paste- www.myspace.com/itsmyfuckinlife So it's not like he isn't attracted to me- its just HOW he is. I can't stand it.
SO here I am- questioning everything. I mean I love D- I really do- But I will always love my ex- he has a spot in my heart just like he told me I have one in his. Life is confusing and it sucks at times. D works entirely too much- he's always at his freakin restruant. And I am just lonely. I see why people cheat- its not because they are whores, its cause there is something unfulfilling in their current arrangement. But I am going to try my hardest to make things work.
As far as giving Madison a last name I believe it'll be both mine and his- I am not engaged or anything so why give her his name? Am I wrong for that?
I am going to watch Ghost Hunters now- I am such a nerd. Look what my nights have turned into....haha!